I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since I posted. I apologize for the “silent treatment.” Sometimes when I am walking through things that are very uncertain, my natural tendency is to grow quite.
I have been battling rising tumor markers since last May. When those markers are on the increase they force me to search for the cause. They led to the discovery of brain lesions in October and now they have led us to discover some new activity in my liver.
I had hoped that at my six week follow up on January 21, that my markers would have continued to decline and reflect the healing I knew was complete in my brain. Instead they took a sharp increase. This led to more tests – MRI, Pet Scans, a second colonoscopy and a GI series. The pet scan revealed activity in my liver and last Thursday I had a liver biopsy, which confirmed lesions in my liver.
Today I begin chemotherapy again.
This morning I am already in the chair and receiving fluids. Mark is with me and I am ready to go. (Excuse the poor photo quality – the lighting is really awful. Mark is looking good this morning for sure! He’s making my view very attractive.)
I really wanted to avoid chemo this time as it is so demanding on the body, the spirit and the mind. More than that, it is taxing on my whole family and many friends. Regardless, this morning I have squared up. Since this has become the clear path to restoration – I am all in. No more whining. No more dread. No more delay.
John 14 is a whole chapter in the Bible about Jesus comforting his disciples. They were facing some significant “troubles”, most of which they had no way to prepare for or anticipate. It opens with the statement “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” Don’t let? Don’t allow? We are just like the disciples facing troubles on every side. Yet we have great authority to rule over our heart and emotions.
I’ve prayed often over the past week that God would give me peace. In verse 18 He said “Peace I give to you. Peace I leave with you.” I am not waiting on God to give me something. He is waiting on me to appropriate what I have already been given. I already possess the peace that passes understanding. Just like my experience of salvation, it is a free gift offered to me as a blessing. I have stopped asking for things I already possess and as I result, I feel the sweep of peace over my soul again.
In addition, the warrior has risen up on the inside of me. It is familiar sensation. I am full of faith and hope. For months I have refused to look cancer in the eye. I believe this strategy has been greatly frustrating to the enemy and greatly empowering for me. Now, I chose to look cancer straight in the face. I have squared up. I am facing off.
I have not surrendered the mandate of battling from a position of rest. Rather, I have drawn some additional weapons today that are offered up to God for Him to use. I am at peace, despite the seriousness of the situation. ( On a lighter note, I have gotten some good news in the last week. My recent brain MRI was excellent, showing a significant decrease in lesions and no additional activity.)
This morning I am seated in the same chair I first began chemo in 2009. I have been been well treated in this chair. Here I found hope and health and friendship. If you pray for me, please pray for rapid healing, effective treatment and no side effects.
Don’t forget to take good care of your own heart. Don’t allow it to be troubled. As Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching, let’s remember the love we possess through Jesus is the most powerful weapon and the greatest tool we have to shape the human heart. Let’s use it wisely.
With endless love,